Monday, September 17, 2007

The Mysterious Hispanic Collapse

Sure, living 3 blocks from the Latino ghetto has its disadvantages. No white man can grow a mustache for fear of being ridiculed by REAL hombres and their huge bushy nose trophies; we have to completely dismantle our own cars every night to show respect, and to save our ipods; and we have to adapt to a new way of talking when we ride bikes to the store with girls, a speech that involves mainly whistles and howls and sweat.
But it has its advantages, too, like the occasional stabbing victim that crawls into your backyard and collapses, prompting you to call 911 because a strange teenage man may have just died in front of your eyes. And for this...we celebrate!
A few nights ago, as we were all sitting around watching Darren pretend to get high score on Geometry Wars, we noticed some movement in our backyard.
Sure enough, along the outside of our back fence a young man was crawling slowly, and clutching his stomach, and he collapsed. There was no response when we asked him what was wrong. He got up again, struggled, clutched his stomach, and collapsed face first into the concrete. we couldnt see his chest or stomach, and thought maybe he was stabbed or shot (which wasnt without merit considering he could have easily escaped the clutches of the ghetto only a short 3 blocks away), so we called 911.
After 10 minutes of the cops arguing over whos going to turn him over, the paramedics showed up and got him to come to. No blood, no stabbing. Turns out he was a 16 year old kid with a full mustache who got fed a ton of tequila and pills, and after a few more minutes of the paramedics arguing over whos going to lift him up, he vomited in his sleep for what seemed to be years, creating an ant hill of puke, and prompting the cops to say things like "Look, he had menudo for lunch", or the famous "Looks like you wont be kissing no women tonight!" Clever.

6 hours later, at 8am, I awoke to the pile of vomit almost completely gone, and a flock of crows that looked like they had full stomachs and smiles on their black, beautiful beaks.