Saturday, December 19, 2009

Secret AVATARD Documents Uncovered


After a decade in the making, today was a milestone day for that dude that blew up the Titanic. That's right. A film so revolutionary that it began production on the most powerful computer of 1999, the Nintendo 64, and eventually evolved, migrated to, and was completed on the newest most powerful computer of 2009, a computer. Today, December something, 2009, Jame's Cameron's AVATAR was released into the whole universe, both in theaters with 3 dimensions as well as theaters with only 2. Jame's had mentioned throughout the years that he was going to invent a theater with 4 dimensions to show AVATAR, but Fandango didn't have any available, so perhaps Jame's lied. Not to worry.

Though I was not involved in much of the decade-long production of Cameron's AVATAR, I WAS lucky enough to be included on the very first creative meeting with a small team of creative meeters, Jame's included, where I got to watch in awe as Jame's and his team of creators began to brainstorm about what would eventually become AVATAR, the new Nintendo 64 game for theaters! It is amazing to think back to that first meeting and then get to witness it all come to life finally today in a theater with 3 dimensions. I was embargoed until now, but as AVATAR releases it's 64 bits into theaters all over today, I can finally share this transcript of what I got to witness almost 10 years ago in a small office that hovered above the Malibu coast on a liquid-alloy cloud from the future.

Exec #3: Hey there, Jame's, thanks for having us. It's a Titanic pleasure...ummm...sorry 'bout that. Bad joke.
Jame's: I made that movie.
Exec #2. That's what we are here about, Jame's. We heard you had a new idea for a film, we would love to hear about it.
Jame's: I've got several ideas. But this world you call Earth doesn't have the capabilities to cater to my imagination. What if we waited?
Exec #3: Waited for what?
Jame's: The present to catch up to the future.
Exec #5: Is that possible?
Jame's: Anything is possible in the future.
Exec #1: Well, let's pretend that you DID want to start making a movie. What would you like to make?
Jame's: I've been working on an idea. I think it's incredible. Let me show you. It speaks for itself.
(Jame's then pulled out a state of the art laptop with Windows 98 and something he called an "Air Phone", opened the screen, and turned around the computer to face us.)
Exec #2: What's this? You have your idea on your computer?
Jame's: Just watch.
(About 4 minutes pass)
Exec #3: Jame's? Are we missing something?
Jame's: Keep watching.
(2 more minutes pass by and then a screen saver kicks on showing slow panning shots of a mountain scene with a waterfall and some birds. it then changes photos to a bright teal underwater terrain scene with some fish floating by.)
Jame's: It's beautiful, isn't it.
Exec #1: What's beautiful? The mountains? You want to make a mountain adventure movie? An underwater movie?
Jame's: No. I want to make THAT movie, based on THAT video game.
Exec #4: Umm...thats a screen saver.
Jame's: YES! That's the movie I want to make. ScreenSaver: The Movie. It will be beautiful.
Exec #2: I'm not sure we understand.
Jame's: What's not to understand. Sure the technology isn't there yet. But we will wait. We will---
Exec #5: What TECHNOLOGY is it that isn't---
Jame's: I will invent it!
(The execs all quitely whispered to each other while a close up panning shot of a parrot nibbling his feathers graced the screen of the laptop)
Exec #3: Ok, so...I think we understand. So where do we go from here. What else are you thinking about this film?
(Jame's tosses a small hard cartridge on the table and it slides and hits one of the elbows of Exec #4, he picks it up)
Jame's: You know what that is?
Exec #4: The SMURF video game for the Colecovision?
Jame's: Yah....that game's cool.
Exec #1: Oh, ok, nice. You want to make a Smurf movie? That's a great property, I think you'll make a great adaptation.

Jame's: No, no. LOOK at it. Do you see?
Exec #2: See what?
Jame's: The BLUE. The blue is COOL. I want that.
Exec #1: So, you want a blue guy in a screensaver as a movie?
Jame's: No. Not ONE blue guy. A ton. A smurf-load of blue. Cool. Remember Trapper Keepers? Where the unicorns lived with the planets and pink trees?
Exec #5: Oh yah! I remember those.
Jame's: I want to live there.

Exec #1: Ummm...I think we are getting off topic. Let's get back to this movie. Anything else in this world along with the Smurfs?
Jame's: Tall ones.
Exec #5: Beg your pardon?
Jame's: TALL Smurfs. It's cooler.
Exec #5: OK, anything along with the tall smurfs? Like maybe horses, or dragons?
Jame's: YES! BOTH OF THEM! Horses AND Dragons! But we have to add 2 to everything because it's a fantasy.
Exec #1: What do you mean, add 2 because it's a fantasy?
Jame's: In my fantasies, everything has TWO more of something. Like, your horses have 4 legs. Mine have 6. Your Dragons have 2 wings. Mine have 4. Your dogs have 2 eyes. Mine have 4. I'm 2 BETTER than you, so my fantasies are 2 better also.
Exec #4: I get it. So like, 2 propellers on the helicopters?
Jame's: I like this guy! YES! And DOUBLE blades on the propellers!
Exec #2: COOL!
Exec #1: Wait, what should these tall smurfs look like?
Jame's: Just like us, but taller, and more like cat-smurfs.
Exec #2: Taller usses? Cats? Who on earth is gonna design something like that?
Jame's: My nephew is cheap. We can get him.
Exec #3: Your nephew is a concept artist?
Jame's: No, he's a chef, but I'm in charge. Besides, how bad can they be. It's simple. Taller smurf-cat-humans. Done.

Exec #5: Let's see, who should we get for this new fun film?? Leonardo again? Depp?
Jame's: No! We need RETARDS!
Exec #2: Huh?
Jame's: That Giovanni Ribisi kid! He was a retard in that retard movie, right?
Exec #1: Oh, yah, the Other Sister. That was amazing. Good call.
Jame's: And that retarded kid from Dodgeball!
Exec #3: I don't think there was a retarded kid in----
Jame's: The TALL ONE. And OOOHHH, Michelle Rodriguez!
Exec #2: PERFECT! She's just ALWAYS retarded! This sounds like a great movie!
Jame's: It's gotta be in 3-D.
Exec #5: What? No one likes 3-D. It's 1999! 3-D is so 1987!
Jame's: They WILL! In the future they'll like it. I'll invent it.
Exec #1: 3-D already exists. And no one cares.
Jame's: IMAGINE. Wearing glasses so you can see the subtitles FLOATING in the theater.
Exec #4: You want JUST the subtitles in 3-D?
Jame's: Yes! It will be revolutionary. No one has seen an alien font HOVER. Oh and can we SINK something?? Something BIG?
Exec #1: Sink something? Umm..Like a boat?
Jame's: NO! This is the future. Like maybe a tree?!
Exec #5: You want to sink a tree? How?
Jame's: Iceberg's work. Let's do that. We'll get a drunk guy to drive the tree.
Exec #2: Let's not use an iceberg. We don't want to pigeon hole you.
Jame's: Your'e right. Ok, it will just fall then. HUGELY. Cool?
Exec #2: This is starting to sound expensive.
Jame's: SILENCE!
(Jame's then pointed to a closet and Robert Patrick in a cop uniform ran over and stabbed Exec #2 in the throat with a metal arm and then retreated back into the closet)
Jame's: I can afford it.
Exec #1: OK, well, ahem...umm..I like it! Let's start hashing out a name and a better concept.
Jame's: DONE. Wait. What do you call those little pictures that people use when they chat on AOL?
Exec #4: Oh, ummm...
Jame's: You know, those things on message boards. They use them on that X-Box thing too.
Exec #1: Oh, they are called AVATARS, they are false and corny representations of the users.
Jame's: YES! AVATAR!!! That's what it's called!
Exec #3: Jame's, I don't mean to sound negative, but avatar's are one of the worst aspects of the internet.
Jame's: Then let's make it the worst part of going to the movies too!!!!
Exec #1: Umm...I'm not sure that's the best id----
Jame's: SILENCE ALL OF YOU!!!! I'll see you in ten years!
(Jame's then disappeared in a cloud of liquid metal and Billy Zane emerged and escorted us all out through the magic elevator back to the Los Angeles earth. I was not included in any more creative meetings. But alas, it was an amazing experience. Go see AVATAR and send Jame's my love.